Scorpio October 24 - November 21 Scorpio- walking with a dead man over my shoulder, its a dead mans party....Of course this is your power song during Halloween time Scorpios. But what does it all meeeean? Well aside from the literal interpretation of you actually fireman's carrying dead people around on your shoulders like you were in Saving Private Ryan, I see it as meaning that you Scorps are shouldering the burden of some dead weight here recently. And unless I am a totally unqualified mystic and paralegal, I think this dead weight manifests itself in the form of bad habits. I don't mean smoking or drinking or lying about being a producer so random Hollywood sluts will sleep with you, no, all of those practices are allright in my book. I think your bad habits are of a more interpersonal nature. Specifically, selfishness. It's healthy to have some selfish leanings in life but your balance is off here recently and its working against you. So do a couple random acts of kindness and thoughtfulness for those around you this week. You may get nauseous from this but trust me, it's necessary. It might help you with that nut I spoke of last week. Power song? Oingo Boingo- Dead Mans Party
Libra September 23 - October 23
Libra- youre fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight.....Wow. What did you kids do to deserve the grandaddy of all Halloween songs for this appropriately themed Horrorscope week? Don't go patting yourself on the back quite yet, its probably again my lame attempt to butter some Libra girl up with a nice horrorscope so that maybe she'll let me.....I should just go on with the horrorscope huh? Ok. So it sounds like you got a big time fight coming up Libra. Don't concern yourself with the funk of forty thousand years that this fight may stir up because this is a fight you're going to need to win at all costs. AT ALL COSTS. Power song? MJ- Thriller
Leo July 23 - August 22
Leo- who you gonna call???...There is a giant Stay Puff Marshmallow man lurking in your future and before that glorious puffy bastard starts wrecking havoc you need to be thinking about who you gonna call to help you rid yourself of this marshmallowy plague. And no I don't mean ACTUALLY calling the Ghostbusters, they aren't real, that was just a movie. No, you need to think about and identify, BEFORE the crisis hits, who you gonna call in the event of an emergency. Who is your Cleaner? Who is going to go to work on it with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch? Identify that person and put em on speed dial. Power song? Ray Parker Jr.- Ghostbusters Theme
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Cancer- that was proof that there had been a nightmare on my street....Cancers stay in their own head a lot. Because of that, you guys let dreams AND nightmares of the mental sort, bleed into your real world modus operandi. I get the feeling that there's a specific situation in your life right now you are looking at ALL kinds of wrong because of this. Do you REALLY have proof or are you manufacturing it? Don't let your own mental Freddy Kreuger slash you up. Wake up. Power song? Will Smith- Nightmare on My Street
Gemini May 21-June 21 Gemini- shout, shout, shout at the devil....No better music for Halloween than something from those Devil worshipping kids that used to rule the Sunset Strip. So Gemini's, what's your devil right now and how do you shout at him? Meaning? Whatever demon you have in you right now, whatever it is that is holding you down, holding you back, or just making you a bitch, you need to shout it down and do an exorcism. Unless of course you like the projectile vomiting, 360 degree head rotation look. I'm not saying you yourself have been being a demon recently, but something is possessing you and you need to get rid of it or risk being tied to a bed and having priests throw water on you. Who knows, some of you would probably be into that. Power song? Motley Crue- Shout at the Devil
Taurus April 20 - May 20 Taurus- dont touch me I'm a real live wire, psycho killer.....Well, I think we all knew it would come to this. You finally snapping and going on a murder-page. If you haven't already started brutally murdering people with screwdrivers and hammers, you should really do some work on NOT showing your emotional cards this week. You guys sometimes let them run wild and it gets you into trouble. Repress them. Refuse to talk about or act on them like the rest of us. It's called being an adult. Besides, we both know there is no more room in your backyard to bury any bodies so this is obviously the best route to take. Reign in your emotions Taurii, they are about to make you make a mistake. Power song? Talking Heads- Psycho Killer
Aquarius January 21 - February 18
Aquarius- yo this is the Addams Family groove right here...Damn Aquarii. Even a family of half dead Mongoloids can find theirs yet you still languish in the groove challenged section. What's going on with you right now? You are wayyy out of your groove and I'm not even sure you realize it. Just like MC Hammer was when he made this song. Damn, I mean, remember how bad ass U Can't Touch This was when it came out? Now? Now Hammer is broke doing Cash 4 Gold commercials and that is what is in store for you unless you get back in your groove. You are 2 Legit 2 Quit when you're at your best. Go back there. And I promise a better power song whence you return. Power song? MC Hammer- Addams Family Groove
Capricorn December 22 - January 20
Capricorn- take me down to Paradise City where the grass is green....I want you to seriously stop what you're doing, cause I'm about to ruin, the image and style that you're used to. I look funny. But yo I'm making money see....damn't. Sorry. I write these really late at night and sometimes my brain just starts re-iterating song lyrics instead of psychic readings. Where was I? Paradise City. If you could create your own Paradise City, what would it look like? And I dont mean what your Sim City ended up looking like when you were addicted to that stupid, stupid game back in the mid 90's but what would your real paradise entail? Now re-noodle the things you immediately thought of. How important are they really? Hone the paradise you really want and it will be easier to attain once you get rid of all that shallow BS. Power song? Guns N Rose- Paradise City
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sagittarius- do you remember the good ol' days, before the ghost town?...Oh Jesus. What did you do? Well, ya did something wrong. Don't believe me? Take a look around. See some people and things missing out of your life? Well, you screwed something up and away they went. Instead of looking for someone to blame or beating yourself up, or even worse, LYING to yourself about what happened, figure out if its a town you want to rebuild or if you are happy living in your ghost town. If it's the latter, might I give you a word of advice? Solitary life for the vast majority of us is only cool on a short time line and wounds not attended to, never properly heal. Real estate is real cheap in a ghost town for a reason. Power song? The Specials- Ghost Town
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Virgo- little old lady got mutilated late last night, werewolves of London....Now why you wanna go and mutilate an old lady Virgo's? Damn you cold. I mean yeah, her merging across three lanes with no blinker in her Buick Skylark can be infuriating but it's not 2nd Degree murder worthy. Be aware of your temper this week Virgo's because as you know, you are not the same person when you snap and when you do snap, it usually has pretty serious repercussions. Something will happen this week where patience and peace is going to be paramount. Keep the beast in check. Power song? Warren Zevon- Werewolf of London
Aries March 21- April 19
Aries- they played the monnnnnnster mash....Yeah, sorry. Doing a whole Halloween themed Horrorscope here this week and you Aries get stuck with this as your power song. WTF is a monster mash? Aside of course from being a graveyard smash. From what I can tell reading the lyrics through one open eye, (thank you Jameson) I think its a dance of sorts. Why you Aries dancing with monsters? Re-evaluate those around you because I think you might have a monster in the mix that needs to be excommunicated. And not a cool monster like Rodan or Mothra but something sinister with sinister motives. Know your dance partners this week. Power song?Boris Pickett- Monster Mash
Pisces February 19th - March 20 Pisces- let's do the time warp again....You Pisces aren't the only ones that have been doing this but you are the most egregious offenders recently. You wanna either rewind or fast forward to a different time and place in your life. Well, tough shit fish face. Dr. Brown and his DeLorean, Herminone Granger's time turner, and Rufus' phonebooth from Bill and Ted's are all Hollywood lies. We all live in the here and now and no contraption or daydreaming or Jeff Goldblum's stupid String Theory is going to change that. Get focused on the now. The right meow. Power song? THE TIME WARP....
If you're pressed to comment on how Dr. Cranfill may have hit the jackpot about your sign or think we have ruined your life forever, just e-mail jack@931JACKFM.com.
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