Scorpio.... its almost stone cold dead in a town called Malice...What a crap job on the part of the City Council to name their town Malice. That's almost as bad as Hell, Michigan. Google maps that if you don't believe me. What does it mean for you though right? Ever the selfish Scorpio. What it means is that somewhere, more specifically somePLACE, you learned a life lesson that you have been forgetting here recently. And the lesson you learned in this specific place was a big one. Like when I decided I was never, ever, ever going to have kids after my first visit to Disneyland. You Scorpio's need to do some reminiscing and return to the actual place where this life lesson occurred and experience those brush-up emotions and realizations that that place should provide for you. Whether its a physical place or a mode of thinking you used to live in, make the pilgrimage. Power song? The Jam- A Town Called Malice
Libra September 23 - October 23
Libra- they finally found me, the renegade who had it made...Tough luck Libra's. Some kinda free ride you've been enjoying is about to come to an end soon when the other party realizes the end of the deal they are getting. Could be your boss discovering your secret nap space at work, could be ONE of your girlfriends finding out she's just ONE of your girlfriends, or it could be as simple as you not getting free curly fries at Arby's anymore since you turned down a date request from their day manager. Whatever your free ride is Libra's, its in big danger this week. The gig is up. Power song? Styx- Renegade
Leo July 23 - August 22
Leo- revved up like a deuce in the middle of the night...Yes. I looked it up. He says DEUCE not DOUCHE. Argument solved. Now. Blinded by the light. What gives Leo's? Usually you are level headed and see the yin-and-yangs of things but something shiny has put a glare in your eyes. You've been blinded by the light and if you don't get your Ray-Bans on, you are gonna need that speed dial cleaner I mentioned last week. Concentrate on noting the light AND dark in EVERYTHING. Nothing is completely useless and nothing is completely awesome. Lessen the polarity of your thinking this week. Power song? Manfred Manns Earth Band- Blinded By the Light
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Cancer- i hope someone gets my, message in a bottle...It's always some kind of communication issues with you Crabs. Somebody needs to get you Rosetta Stone for the soul or something, this is getting tedious. Message in a bottle? What is this? 1740's Portugal? What kinda indirect communication mode is that? No Facebook, no Twitter, no text messages, no passive aggressive post-it notes, whatever you need to say to somebody this week, say it to the face. It's the only way real sh!t gets done. Power song? the Police- Message in a Bottle
Gemini May 21-June 21 Gemini- sort of but not really....My mom used to say, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, which was a odd thing since I was raised Quaker and we're pacifists and against back yard gambling but, whatever. Close doesn't really count Gemini's and you had best not settle for close enough this week. Once you start cutting corners on quality you are left with sweatshop workmanship. The only time when close is good enough is when you are talking about a Brazilian wax. And your welcome by the way for this bad ass power song. Power song? Silversun Pickups- Sort Of..
Taurus April 20 - May 20 Taurus- fear is not the end of this...You gotta learn to live with No Fear, like them coats white boys be wearing, I'm tougher than denim, more lethal than snake bites, the marijuana makes my eyes bright red like brake lights. There aint a party I can't rock, believe that, aint a microphone brave enough to give me feedback. My word is bond like James they be trying to test but they week like 7 days. Yeah, I just totally plagiarized that from a Can-I-Bus song but it's late and I only know like 2 Taurii so who cares really? And to the two Taurus' that read this, sorry but the girl I called from the back of the LA Weekly is here and I gotta go. I'll make it up to you. Power song? Live- I Alone
Aquarius January 21 - February 18
Aquarius- i've waited for you here, everlong...Well, you must've followed last weeks advice cause here you go with a decent power song Aquarii. Well done. The more of you that listen and do everything I say, the easier this all will be. What ever it is you've been waiting on Everlong, drop it. Done. Forget it. You are wasting your time. I know, you've put a lot of time into this but I know a D- science project when I see one. I'm not talking dreams and aspirations here to walk away from, wait. You already know what I am talking about don't you? Power song? Foo Fighters- Everlong
Capricorn December 22 - January 20
Capricorn- its a family affair, its a family affair...Easy South Carolinians, that's not the kinda family affair I'm talking about. Some family drama/secrets may come to light this week Cappy's. You may be about to find out why Momma named you Joe Dirt instead of Nunnamaker. Just know this, if you start digging for something, you better be able to bury it too if necessary. Sometime mummies should stay in the tomb and sometimes they should go in the Smithsonian. Just be prepared for either inevitability this week. Power song? Sly and the Family Stone- Family Affair
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sagittarius- they'll catch you if they can, lies lies lies...The only time when Lies, Lies, Lies is a good thing is when you are talking about the Guns N Roses album with the naked blonde chick on the inside cover. How bad ass was Patience? Oh yea. Sorry. Forgot you were here for a second. Yes. Lies. If my arithmancy is correct, a lot of lies are going to be exposed this week everywhere. You be doing yourself a service not to be involved in any. Let everyone else take the fall on this one. You're gonna worship me forever when you see this go down this week, just like I foretold. Power song? Thomson Twins- Lies
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Virgo- she looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing...One of you Virgo's that reads this has been complaining that I give you Virgo's crap power songs. Well. Here is a year's worth of repentance in one song. Fake Plastic Trees. Is ol' Thom here talking bout boobies or society as a whole? Doesn't matter. Well. Actually it does. I'm totally fine with fake boobies, just not fake people. Other than boobs this week Virgo's, only accept the real deal. No fakes. No Dr. Rocket, get Dr. Pepper. No Hydrox. OREOS. No souless shell of a person people invading your space. Keeps it all the way real this week Virgo's. Power song? Radiohead- Fake Plastic Trees
Aries March 21- April 19
Aries- I dont mind you coming here, wasting all my time...Well Aries, you should mind. People that waste MY time are no better than Duke Blue Devils fans albeit time wasters are probably LESS likely to get punched in the face. Why are you letting people waste your short, short time on this planet Aries? You're not a psychiatrist, you don't need to waste time listening to other peoples problems and issues. And if you ARE a psychiatrist email your rates to justin.cranfill@931jackfm.com because my previous Doc won't see me anymore because of last Wednesdays unfortunate mis-understanding. Sorry Dr. Kwaw!! Anyway, no time wasting this week with other peoples BS. Power song? the Cars- Just What I Needed
Pisces February 19th - March 20 Pisces- if i close my eyes forever, will it all remain unchanged?..Lemme get this straight Lita. You are asking that if you just close your eyes and ignore something, is it going to remain the same? Well uh. Yeah. I firmly believe God/Allah/Chuck Norris bound the ostrich to the Earth for eternity because of his habit of sticking his head in the sand to avoid danger. The lion is not, not going to rip into you like a Ham n Cheese Hotpocket just because you have your head in the ground. Open up those eyes, and fight the lion or remain the prey instead of maybe becoming the predator for once. Power song? Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne- Close My Eyes
If you're pressed to comment on how Dr. Cranfill may have hit the jackpot about your sign or think we have ruined your life forever, just e-mail jack@931JACKFM.com.
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